The Broomcupboard

"LOOK AT ME! I'M SEAWORTHY!"

Hahaha, you are Cosmo. Your one of Timmy's fairy
god parents, but you pretty much just screw
everything up all the time. Every bad
situation that happens to you and your friends
is more than likely your fault but your too
inept to realize it. Everyone likes having you
around though because your stupidity it quite
funny most of the time.


Which Fairly Odd Parents Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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"LOOK AT ME! I'M SEAWORTHY!

Hahaha, you are Cosmo. Your one of Timmy's fairy
god parents, but you pretty much just screw
everything up all the time. Every bad
situation that happens to you and your friends
is more than likely your fault but your too
inept to realize it. Everyone likes having you
around though because your stupidity it quite
funny most of the time.


Which Fairly Odd Parents Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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THE ONES THAT GOT AWAY, PART 1: BRAVESTARR

We spend a lot of our time here at The Broomcupboard trying to remind you which programmes on kids' TV are worth a moment of your precious viewing time. Think of us as Grandma in that episode of All American Girl where she was entrusted with one of those boxes that records what you watch for ratings purposes, only to feel hugely guilty about the people on the shows she didn't watch, and ended up trying to watch everything so nothing would get cancelled. Anyone remember that? Anyway, we're fairly sure that we've failed absolutely with The Mysti Show, since almost everyone we've tried to convince thinks it's a hammily-acted show for eight-year-old girls with a script written by six mules sharing one typewriter. They may have a point, but then that's precisely why we love it. But we digress.

Cast your mind back to a time before The Broomcupboard (not all that hard, we've only been going for a couple of months, and we've only updated fifteen times including this one), and think about all the programmes we weren't here to try to save. The vast majority of kids' TV programmes have secured a place in most people's hearts, and even some of the more obscure ones are usually held fondly by someone somewhere (we spent ages trying to find another Jamie and the Magic Torch fan). But, just as there are kids at school who never get asked to the disco, there are kids' programmes that no one remembers, and don't even get a decent internet memorial. We're setting out to change that by profiling the programmes that no one else could be bothered to pay homage to (a quick search on Google will almost certainly certainly prove that statement false, but does this look like a face that's bothered?).

SHOW 1: BRAVESTARR
Set on the distant planet of New Texas, Bravestarr was an attempt to update the Western genre for the Transformers generation, who weren't satisfied with straightforward good-triumphs-over-evil storylines and wanted superheroes with fancy powers. The hero was Marshall Bravestar, a buff, savvy sheriff that we probably subconsciously fancied, even though we didn't realise it when we were seven. Bravestarr was no ordinary sheriff, as he could call on the powers of four different animals to help him out of a tight spot: eyes of a hawk, ears of a wolf, strength of a bear, speed of a puma. Well, we say he had those powers, but we watched it fairly regularly and we can't remember a single instance of him using eyes of a hawk, unless you can count the opening credits. He used strength of a bear far more than any of his other powers, from which we deduce that he was probably an unreconstructed male who preferred to duff people up rather than sitting down and talking it through over a nice cup of tea.

The theme tune was fabulous, although it suffered slightly from the sound effects drowning out the lyrics, in particular the part of the song where Bravestarr's powers were listed, leaving us convinced for ages that he actually had the ears of a wasp.

We don't actually know how or why Bravestarr came across these powers. In all honesty, he was probably just a bit cocky and liked showing off. He also had a horse called Thirty Thirty (why? We don't know) which had the thoroughly bizarre superpower of being able to act human by standing on its hind legs. We don't know what use that was, unless Looking Rather Unwieldy is also a superpower.

TV Tome attributes Bravestarr's early demise to poorly-selling action figures, that were released before the cartoon took off, and made it look like the show was unpopular when people just didn't really know it existed yet. Damn you, Mattel!

If you remember a kids' TV show that no one else does, and would like The Broomcupboard to profile it, why not e-mail us and let us know? Please remember to put "Broomcupboard" in the subject line, or we'll probably lose it in amongst all the spam we get promising us hot babes playing with sticky cum.
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"i will hunt u down an kill u"

It's been ever so long since we've updated, hasn't it? It's probably a little late for excuses, so we'll carry on as if nothing happened.

Here is all the news that matters on kids' TV for the week 24th-30th July 2004.

• Here are some known signs of the apocalypse: four horsemen, a fiery plague, the hellmouth opening in Sunnydale. Here is another one: Sam and Mark getting their own TV show. It hasn't quite happened yet, but terrifyingly word has reached us that Sam and Mark will be presenting Top of the Pops Saturday on their own in two weeks, "entertaining" us with their "unique" "comedy" "stylings" without the watchful supervision of Fearne Cotton. Whatever you may think of Fearne, it's hard to think that an entire show presented by Sam and Mark isn't going to look amateurish, dull, unfunny and laboured.
  We've suspected they'd get at least one show to themselves, as they've had a regular guest slot for some weeks now. We hoped against all hope that we would be proven wrong, but it seems that all the burning effegies, voodoo dolls and prayers to God, Allah, Buddah, Satan, and everyone in between were wasted.
  Still, at least they won't be singing. Er, will they?


• The BBC received a charming vote of support from a young (we hope) viewer following its recent extensive poll of the viewers in the lead-up to the application for Charter renewal. Mixed in with all the complaints about dumbing down, a lack of quality drama, and too many derivative gameshows was the following affirmation: "u dare take off the cbbc channel an i will hunt u down an kill u. ok dont u dare".
  We're contemplating rethinking our stance that text speak is robbing today's youth of all its eloquence.


• We're going interactive! We don't want you to press the red button, but we do want you to vote in this week's poll.
  THIS WEEK: We realise we're far more likely to learn about the goings-on in the world from Newsround than we are from any paper or grown-up news show. But is this embarrassing in a man of our age? Pop over to the sidebar now and let us know what you think.

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SKOOL'S IN

First of all we'd like to apologise for giving our comeback post such a terrible headline, but we really couldn't think of a better one. In all honesty, you should probably be glad you didn't have to see some of the ideas we discarded before deciding on this one.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Top of the Pops is quite rubbish these days. However, we're not really in the business of discussing TV for grown-ups on this site, so we're turning our beady (and increasingly square) eyes onto its young upward relation, Top of the Pops Saturday.

TOTPS, as it's known in abbreviating circles, faces a challenge by being in direct competition with ITV's cooler, more established (in Saturday morning terms, at least) brand CD:UK, and is often seen to come off as the poor alternative. But we're going to risk being forever branded a deviant and a traitor and admit that we don't like it all that much. It's probably something to do with our ever-increasing dislike of Cat Deeley and her disdain for some of the acts she has to introduce. We realise that Fearne Cotton is not to everyone's taste either, but at least we respect her decision not to try and tell us what we are allowed to like and what we aren't.

This is not, however, a CD:UK vs. Top of the Pops Saturday post, but more a post dedicated to our appreciation of a particular part of the latter. TOTPS has recently acquired a short animated insert called Pop Skool which, somewhat unsurprisingly, is set in a fictitious academy where popstars go to learn their craft. We'd previously viewed it somewhat suspiciously, thinking of it as well-intentioned but generally a bit rubbish. This Saturday, however, we were provided gloriously wrong and don't mind admitting it.

This Saturday's episode featured around the class 'Exotic Cooking with Senora Beckham'. Mrs B was leading the class a lesson on what she referred to as "cordon blue" cookery. Shortly after this, she turned round to the class and exclaimed "Michelle? Sam? Mark? What are you doing?" At which point we saw Michelle McManus and Sam & Mark wrapping up the band Blue in police tape, while Sam guiltily explained "Sorry, Miss, we thought you said to cordon Blue". We laughed and we laughed and we laughed.

The unfortunate thing about Pop Skool is that it can be extremely hit-and-miss. Often the jokes are laboured and heavily signposted, but just when it's lulled you into a false sense of security, it knocks you sideways with a superbly-executed gag (such as "cordon Blue" above) which makes you think there is a really gifted comedy writer paying their dues on this series. And frankly, we applaud them, and we want more.

It's also worth mentioning that even when the jokes are lacklustre, the characters in Pop Skool are frequently well-observed. Professor K Minogue is always seen prominently from behind so that we can appreciate her posterior, Busted are always jumping and their faces are largely obscured by their enormous eyebrows, and Will Young is posh and shy and quite possibly the cutest cartoon character we've ever seen - as soon as we learn how to do screen grabs, we're going to get pictures up here to prove it.
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YAY RABIES!

We've not updated this site for a very long time, and we're very sorry. We plead moving house and a lack of access to broadband for the time being. We're making a special effort to update today because one of our favourite episodes of The Fairly Odd Parents is on next week and we couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't remind you all to watch it.

Tune in to BBC Two on Saturday at 8.05am to see the double bill of 'Cosmo Con' and 'Wanda's Day Off'. 'Cosmo Con' features Cosmo's attempts to organise the annual fairy convention. Obviously it's a prerequisite that it should be held in a top secret location that will not endanger the secret existence of fairy godparents. So where better to hold it than in Timmy's bathroom? Well, Timmy's bathroom on the night that Mr Crocker is coming for dinner, obviously. This episode is notable for an early appearance from teen singing sensation Britney Britney, although we can't remember if it's the first ever time she appears. 'Wanda's Day Off' is fairly self-explanatory; Wanda is grouchy and tired so Timmy wishes her to the Fairy World Spa for a well-earned day off. Wanda is concerned about leaving Timmy and Cosmo alone with no one to clear up the mess, but Cosmo assures her he can cope. Wanda's day off does not go according to plan, as having been wished to the Spa makes her considerably lower status than the people who paid to go (it's political and everything!), and Cosmo somehow manages to create a super-intelligent race of cockroaches who want to invade Earth while trying to help Timmy with his science project. Well, it's the sort of thing that could happen to anyone, isn't it?

Perhaps we haven't sold it in the best possible way here, but there are far more quickfire, bitingly witty gags in this episode than we could ever hope to do justice to on a two-bit blog like this, so we will just beg you to tune in (or set the video if you plan to be hungover at that precise moment in time) and enjoy.
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HOOLIE AND JUMP (DECEASED)

Kids' TV these days - so much more daring that it used to be. Parents shed a tear and fondly remember the days when children's television was presented by a smart gentleman in a crisp suit who spoke the Queen's English (as opposed to a queen's English, the language favoured by modern children's television presenters) and all the programmes featured puppets with visible strings learning valuable lessons about morality. It couldn't stay that way for long, of course, and eventually reality invaded the world of children's television: vandals attacked the Blue Peter garden, Byker Grove screened the legendary gay sort-of kiss between Noddy and Gary, Richard Bacon got sacked for snorting gak and Tracy Beaker stomped around a children's home looking angry and wondering why no one would adopt someone so evidently loveable.

Now that the real world and children's TV are companiable bedfellows, you wouldn't think that there were many taboos left to be broken. Death certainly wouldn't count amongst them, we've all sat by and watched countless televised funerals of the likes of Geoff from Byker. Whether you can broach these taboos with the under-fives, however, is another matter.

According to a charming story we found in BBC in-house newsletter Ariel, death has come to Balamory. No, it's not a hard-hitting storyline from the third series where Edie McCredie has too many shandies and runs over Miss Hoolie in a thrill-seeking joyride, it's a true-life story. It's no great secret that the popularity of Balamory has led to a huge increase in tourism around Tobermory where the show is filmed. Naturally you can't always expect pre-schoolers to understand the difference between reality and fiction, so imagine the distress of a small child to be told by the real-life owner of Josie Jump's yellow house (pictured above, the Harbour Heights Hotel in reality) that he had killed Josie and buried her under the patio. Balamory meets Brookside, that's one plot twist we weren't expecting. Props to Balamory producer Helen Doherty for being so understanding, though: "He only said it to one family and I can't believe he meant to upset their children. He said at the time that he was separating from his wife at the time [sic] and was stressed."

An ideal chance to break another taboo with a divorce storyline in the third series of Balamory, then? Perhaps Penny Pocket divorces Suzie Sweet. We've long suspected all is not sunshine and roses with those two.
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THE YOUNG AND THE SPEECHLESS

It is a truth universally acknowledged that children's television presenters are always far older than you would at first suspect. In this era of affordable botox and flattering lighting, we'd always come to think of it as much the norm. "See them outside the studio", we used to think, "and then you'll see the wrinkles".

Once again, however, our beliefs have been called into question. Doing some highly savoury and in no way pornographic research on the interweb last night, we paid one of our regular visits to the lovely folks at Famous Males, home of shirtless celebs. Obviously, the banner at the top of the page advising us of new galleries containing "CBBC's Andrew Hayden Smith" caught our attention, and we clicked like the drooling homosexual click-monkeys that we are.

We were greeted with the usual selection of slighty grainy magazine scans and oh-so-cute pictures from Byker Grove a couple of years back. And then we happened to cast our eyes over to the left-hand side of the screen (which we almost never do, because there are no shirtless pictures on that side) to read: "Date of birth: 5 November 1983".

Speechless, we were. This birthdate would make him a sprightly 20 years old (if our maths is correct), and more importantly, this would make The Broomcupboard a cradlesnatcher. It's not that we don't think Andrew looks youthful (because we do, and we certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed, except possibly to shag him on the floor), but 20 years old we're finding a little hard to credit.

Of course, this means we'll have to carry out extensive AHS research to confirm his date of birth, and if we happen to come across (fnar) some more shirtless pictures in the process, well, it's a tough job, but someone has to do it.
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